Journals

Monster Mind to Care Bear Heart

I always used to be the positive one out of my friends, but one hard part about growing up is losing your innocence and naivety. Today I was thinking negatively about myself. Sometimes my confidence is low and the emotions behind it makes me feel like I’m turning into the Hulk (yes, lol). I try to focus on what calms me down but it’s extremely hard — like wrestling my own soul.

I got home and took a minute to consider how my negative head space could affect the people around me and I realized I had to get back on track. I don’t want to inadvertently bring down the people I love. I want to be consistently joyful but I’m my own worst critic. I want to be THERE: that place where I’m fully confident and I’ve built my character to who I want to be, strong and unafraid so I can give more to others. I want to be perfect but no one is, and I know this in my logical mind, so why do I get moments when I feel like this?

I was looking for some reassurance and comfort and I came across Isaiah 55. One part really helped:

For the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall My word be that goes out from My mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.

I imagined this was a letter to me: I am a work in progress that will come to completion when God is done His work in and through me. It’s okay if I’m not perfect because His love for me is and His plan for me will eventually follow through, no matter how strong I think I am at ruining it. I can’t ruin it. It’s His purpose for me and I will get there.

I read on and this passage is what I want to leave you with. It reminds us that we will have joy. We will experience a blissful happiness that comes from knowing our identity based on God’s view of what we’re worth, who we are and what we’re capable of. If God, even in our messes, can still look down on us with compassion and forgiveness, then maybe we should stop being so hard on ourselves.

For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break forth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
– Isaiah 55:12

God loves us. He created each of us with purpose and a desire to find and accomplish that purpose. We get lost in the disappointment of our failures but if we try to see how God is blessing us each day, we will find the strength and hope to get through those hard days. Sometimes that means stepping back and looking at our lives. When I look at mine I see how God has delivered me out of hurt and disappointment and lead me to overwhelming love and comfort. He gave me double what I prayed for. When I forget that I remind myself that what’s most important isn’t what I think about myself or what others think of me, it’s what He thinks of me… what He thinks of all of us: that we’re worth it.

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